(Of nostalgia, melancholies and dreams we once had but was forced to forgo)

“Honey, I’m feeling cold..”

“Honey, don’t leave me alone..”

“Honey, I’m shivering…..”

“Honey, there’s a lump in my chest, my lungs hurts so bad I wanna cry….”

“Honey, please hold my hands, just once….”

“Honey, it’s dark, please put on the lights….”

“Honey, it hurts, please make it stop..”

Hani doesn’t want to talk to me. Hani has caught feelings. Hani is mad at me. Hani is ignoring me. Hani! Hani! Hani! Hani thinks I’m a bad person. Hani is busy dusting off the counter. Honey is rearranging the shelves.

“Honey…. honey. … honey. … are you there..?… honey… It hurts…..It… It…. It….. pleeee…ase don’t let me di…e..e.” (inside my mind the voice fickly fades away leaving an empty dark room devoid of any signs of life. The atmosphere smells of morbidity )

I’m sitted over the counter, brooding over my life’s worst mistakes, self reflecting how am ever gonna atone for my sins. Or how I’m ever gonna live my last moments in this place.

Hani, the bartender. After serving me with my usual Jack Daniels, resumes to her cleaning. It’s a Saturday morning, and there are just the two of us here. In attempts to start a convo with her, fruitlessly it ends when I sense she’s off mood.

“Hey, Hani, do you think I’m a bad person?”
“Why would I waste my time thinking about you? You’re none of my concerns!”
“would you love to know, my thoughts about the services that you offer..?”
“Nope, not really. We have a suggestion box near the washrooms, feel free to drop your suggestions, complaints or your sorrows…. and you should check your phone, it’s been ringing, you’re drunk to even notice. ”
“Alright, Hani, you just called me a drunkard..I won’t remember that.”

My phone had plenty of I tried calling you texts and one message from Luke.; who wanted to know if I’ll be going over for the guys reunion. The last time we did guys reunion, it was splendidly fun. Lots of women and booze. Luke never touched any woman, at least not in my presence. He’s always been corky and I’ve always waited for him to fuck up. But he never does.

There was a notification of a voice message from Celine.

“Hey Phill, the last time we spoke it didn’t go well. You should come over for breakfast before you guys go out. Hope you’re fine.”

Her voice was low, worried perhaps, it seemed to have something logged in her throat, she was holding back something she meant to say over the phone. Whatever it is she wanted to say, didn’t matter now, did it? For I was not going back anyways.

“Hey, Hani, do you believe in life after death?”

“You’re drunk. Please call someone or just go home.”

“I don’t have someone, Hani. I don’t have a home”

“You sound lonely…”

“Are you married, Hani”

“You wanna marry me”

“Yes, been thinking about it.”

“Just go home. Let me finish my work”

“Would you mind giving me a blow job, Hani? ”

“I’ll call the security now.”

“Are you afraid of my unwavering long cork deep in your throat? You feeling insecure, Hani?”

At this instance, she stops and stares back at me sharply. I’ve got smiles painted all over my faces, and I’m counting on her giving in. For now, it’s the pant in my pants throbbing that’s made me overly awake and sensitive. She’s walking towards where I sit. I’m obliged to put down my drink, and let loose my worries. My head grows heavy. It circles like a merry go round. I can’t hold it in one place. She smiles deviously.
“Come on, you wretched witch, what did you do to me!? What do you put it my drink..?!”

“You needed a blow what..? Say it again. .” Laughing hysterically.

My head slums on the counter table, as every nerve in my body vibrates like an electronic dildo.

Inside my mind, a light emanates from a small opening through the walls, lighting the room, as the voice conjures back.

“Honey, is that you?”

“Honey, you came back for me?”

“Honey, don’t let me die without you, I’ve missed you”

“Phill, look around you, we are both dead!”

I try to raise my head to look around, but everything ain’t static. Everything spins. It’s cold. My eyes have grown weary and husky. The face of Tammy displays itself before me. She’s waving goodbye at me. She’s smiling. I’m trying to smile but afraid she’ll sense I’m sad. My eyes drifts off into a slumber. Everything betrays me. Sometimes the call of death can be sweetly enticing.