(Fades of Shades)

What I have and what I want are two different things. They exist in a schism, a divide. Some sort of a loop hole where everything is on the balance but on the complete opposites. Upside down, making no sense. It isn’t what I asked for. Rarely prayed, but God listen to my whines. Maybe for one last time, look into my eyes, tell me that I deserve this. Look into my wicked,wretched life and tell me that I deserve this. That I brought this to myself. Look at me!! (Shouting. Veins sprouting on his nape) Look at me! Do I deserve this? Do I? (Eyes bursting into tears. Sobbing silently)

Neath the casket lies a fading beauty, even then, her image is as crystal clear as whence she was living in this prism, with me, with us, with you. Eyes shut, behind them memories of her previous life replays like she’s born a new. I imagine she’s safe, I imagine she finds peace, some solace. I don’t know. Kind hearts go to heaven right? Innocent babies go to heaven right? I imagine there’s no global warming. No drought. No corruption. No hate. No racism. I believe so. No heartaches. No diabetes.

She’s born a new, in this life I’m holding her tiny self in my arms, unbelievably staring at her, like is she really mine? Standing at the edge of the bed, she’s taking her first few breaths, I’m staring at her then I gaze to her mom, she’s exhausted, worn out, but excited, I’m whispering a few words to her, I’m blowing some kisses and smooches, though brief, I can’t coin my feelings into these words. My lips are curling, I’m saying, “I love you”. She smiles. “thank you for this miracle”. I say.

She’s growing fast. She’s mewling. She’s crawling. I’m carrying her high up on my shoulders, taking a walk with her. Showing her things. The sun set, Sand and lakes. I’m telling my demons to stay away. I’m asking my demons to set me free, I don’t want to be a part of their conundrum. That I want to be a dad. I’m telling her mother, ” I’m gonna be the best dad. I’m gonna be her giant.” So I quit smoking and drinking. I write an elegy to the whiskey and the cigar. She’s my little girl. Anything for my baby. I’m making all these changes just for her. I want her to be proud of me, wasn’t it meant to be ?

She’s making her first steps and it’s so adorable. Smiles like her mother, dimples of her mother, eyes of her father, hair like her mother’s. I’m caught up in the moment. Time moves so fast and a teenage she becomes. Life seems different. We ain’t close anymore. She’s got her own friends now. She’s got a boyfriend and life is cool now. I call her most times and her mother tells me, “You’re too hard on her.” I take a deep breath and send her a text message, saying, “take care princess. Have fun. Daddy loves you.” She’d reply, “love you too daddy, take care of mommy”. She’d be out in the cold partying, she’s young wild and free, she enjoys life, she’s enthusiastic about everything. Shes studying at a campus. She’s smart and follows her dreams.

So she lies there, on that cold, the glass delimit my touch of her face, and I want to break it. I want to hug my baby girl for the last time, and be her dad once more. Eyes shut in her casket, skin pale, she’s in a different prism. Behind her eyes, the life she could’ve lived plays over and over again, I relive it like I was connected to her like a siamese, except I’m her father. She’s my baby girl. She was to be.

I have a date with her mom and she breaks the news.

“Babe, I’m pregnant.”
“That’s so amazing. What are we going to…” I say.
“I won’t keep it….” She interjects me.

She gives me the talk. She gives me the straight talk. She gives me the hardest pill to swallow. Saying it’s her body now. Saying she’s young to have one. And I’m tryna fight it off, saying we can do this. I’m tryna fight this off saying I love her. I grip the glass and I break it.

She won’t listen. I thump my anger on the table. She thought this through. I can’t change her mind. Deep down I know we’re too young to have one. That’s not the issue. We’re not just compatible to have one right now. What does that even mean ? She says she sees herself few years from now and she ain’t with me.

How could I miss you when I’ve never met you.? I didn’t quit my habits. I drink and drown in whiskey. Thinking maybe you’ll come around and I’ll be your dad. I’m smoking and you’re not here to help your old man. He’s slowly fading into the shades of inexistence.