I would like to live a peaceful life in a quiet place, far away from all the beeping chaos, where my mind, heart, and accounts shall be at peace. December is my birthday month and I stumbled into it the same way a blind man stumbles upon an obstacle; Unaware, then suddenly Aware.

the realization sent me spiraling into akinyi’s dM, where we went back and forth about the past 5 years of our lives. she insisted those years Didn’t matter to her because the very things that shaped who she is are also the things she desperately wants to escape. me included.

now, she said, she wanted specific things and was deliberate about them; a Marriage, a child, a happy ever after. she has been looking for all the three in right places, but never to my direction.

being aware of this, I half-jokingly tickled her with the idea of having a baby with me. as if my semen was just chilling for the twerk of her Ovaries. as if the idea of having a baby was the grandest of thoughts… as if it would wantamly cure our diseases.

she paused, then asked a question. 

“Phill, you are turning 30, what are your plans?”

I never responded. Our conversation ended on the spot.

First, because the question by design felt intrusive. as if wanting her to have my baby wasn’t intrusive enough. Second, the question casted a blank canvas upon which dreams could be drawn, and being a creator, subconsciously i am preconditioned to give in to the whims of my sins constantly navigating the fear of new beginnings and the thrill to build from scratch. And third, honestly, I had no response. Partly because I knew what the question meant in the eyes of a failing society that sees turning 30 as a deadline.

….but a deadline to what?